Always Find Time

 Time...it's a thing.  Time is something we keep track of, something we lose track of, something we squander, something we have or don't have...it's something.

I have had a lot of alone time lately.  Alone time is quiet and it makes one think.  Sometimes those thoughts are kind, sometimes they are lonely.  Being in the thick of a challenging time brings lots of introspection.  

I am still trying to make my bedroom a sanctuary.  I finally have the set up how I think I want it.  A new record player shelf was in order and I took care of that last week.  The room is a hodgepodge of furniture and decor, nothing matches, but it is my spot.  

I have one sole thing hanging on the walls of my room.  You may say it is also alone.  There could be something very symbolic in this.  

It expresses a very important concept to me, as I am in the thick of grief and adjustment:

This makes me think of a scripture from The Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 2:25: "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they may have joy"

Part of being here on this rock flying through the great expanse of the universe, is to find joy.  Joy can be many different things to different people.  Here are five things that have been on my happy list currently:

1. My kids.  These two humans are my biggest joy and my greatest blessing.  They are mine and I feel so blessed to be their mom.

2. Sports.  It is playoff football right now.  It is the good stuff(even if your favorite team self-sabotages itself) I was able to also attend a Utah Mammoth Hockey game yesterday...being among other fans who bring such amazing energy to the arena fills my soul.  Some people find my sports fascination silly.  They may even say it is a waste of time.  But if things make you happy are they really a waste of time?

3. Vinyl records.  This new obsession is interesting.  The nostalgia that comes from the needle hitting the edge of a record is hard to describe.  The write-ups in the covers, the pictures of the artist, the sound, it is unique and has brought a whole lot of nerd out of me.  I love playing them and I love browsing for them in record stores.  

4. Weekly(or as often as I can go) religious services.  My faith makes me who I am.  My faith also helps me navigate hard stuff. The world can be a very scary place these days and the peace, comfort and strength I find in my worship helps me keep on keeping on.

5. Reading and books.  I don't read nearly as much as I want to, but when I do allow the time for it, I love the escape the stories within books gives me. Sometimes fiction is superior to reality. I also love perusing books at my local book store.  I have some gift certificates to use there in the near future.

*Bonus: Writing.  Putting my thoughts down on paper, or on a computer is free therapy.  I think I am going to have to be better at coming to this space and getting the creative juices flowing.  I keep telling myself it doesn't have to be perfect.  So, you five readers, look forward to more posts here.  I am committing to it now.

And now it is your turn to share at least three things that make you feel happy to be alive.  Did you know that writing down three things that you are grateful for(I dare say make you happy) actually rewires your brain to look for more good things.  You are less depressed because of it.  It's science; look it up. Comment your things below, it would be fun to have that interaction with you all.

2026…Writing in Winter

 I’ve been meaning to post for centuries. I’m pretty sure I say this every time I post. 

I’ve been writing a lot lately. Mainly for therapy but sometimes for other reasons. Today I wrote a good poem(well at least I found it good at 7am this morning.). I thought I would share it here. 

I’ve been writing as part of British Author Beth Kempton’s Winter Writing Sanctuary. Basically, there are different prompts daily which include a study in color. Writers are encouraged to light a candle and embrace winter through the act of writing. I’ve done this for a few winters and absolutely love it. 

Today’s color was black. We also were prompted to pick a few words. I picked: silhouette, thunder and Midnight from a list of words.

Here is my haiku:

First there was thunder 

The midnight sky silhouette 

A lightning reveal

I also wrote a longer poem:

Without thunder there is no lightning.

Without light, there is no dark.

All things have an opposite…

     Light/dark

     Hot/cold

     Pleasure/Pain

We often label the opposites as good/evil…

     Yet they are not so…

Summer yields to winter

     Transitioning through fall…

Winter yields back to summer…

     Transitioning through spring…

I dare say winter is no more evil than darkness…

For without the dark, we wouldn’t know light. 

Winter is a space, a solace. A rest.

I used to fight winter

     Maddened by the cold

          And by the long nights…

My attitude, poor

My time a waste

A spot I wished away.

Now I am embrace winter,

     I cozy in fluffy blankets,

     In warm pajamas,

     And cute slippers.

The time slow, yet well lived.

A slow down, a pause for inward reflection

     For cuddling with family during movies,

      For sipping warm tea or cocoa.

Without thunder, there is no lightning

Without dark, there is no light

There can be beauty in the opposite!

Give Rugby A Chance, I Promise You Won't Regret it.

 I am not sure you have even heard about one of the most pivotal women's sporting events that is currently going on:  Women's Rugby World Cup. 

You may have never even watched a rugby match and you probably don't know how rugby works, but I guarantee that if you sit down and tune into a match or two this weekend, you'll become intrigued even if still a bit confused about rules.

I too was confused about rules when I first suited up to play in Logan, Utah twenty plus years ago.  I had no clue how the game worked but I sure got excited when an opposing player carrying the ball was barreling toward me.

The adrenaline was pumping, and all my thoughts were: "I must get this tackle." She was probably a quarter of my weight; tiny, but I was focused and in attack mode.  As she approached, I lost all sense of reality and picked her up over my shoulder and slammed her into the turf. That tackle wasn't only brutal, but it also was illegal, see rugby has certain etiquette(even if it seems like the one of the most brutal of games) and that over the shoulder tackle was breaking that etiquette.

This game, played with muscle and that includes tackling without helmets or pads, brutal as it may seem, contains loads of etiquette.  In fact, it has been termed "the gentleman's sport"(according to my old coach at Utah State back in the day). Sportsmanship and respect for both the opposing players and referees is not only encouraged but expected.  While playing, athletes go full beast mode head to head, but when competition ends, they go full camaraderie mode. 

Last weekend, England stomped The United States 69-7 but there wasn't any rubbing in the Eagles faces after by the Roses.  Instead, there were laughs and hugs shared.  

Looking back, I wish I would have learned the rules earlier in my life.  Rugby just wasn't mainstream back then, but the women who are playing now are trying to change that.  In fact, the most followed rugby player on Instagram is Ilona Maher, a member of the Female USA Eagles team. She has been instrumental in getting the word out not only about Rugby but about women's sports in general.  She has also been a champion for body positivity and I just love her.

To get you excited for the upcoming matches, including The USA Women's Eagles against The Australia Wallaroos at 2:30 pm Eastern here in the US, here are is a highlight video from last weeks match against The England Roses:

And to get you to admire and want to know Ilona more here are four bonus videos:

Unlucky 13.

 

Well.  Here I am, on my porch, my happy place, an annoying car alarm randomly honking in the background..  My happy place consists of sunflowers, roses, and raised garden beds.  The zero-scaping being exactly what we wanted.

We.  What we wanted.  Now there is a division.  An annoyance like the random honking. It is surprising and really unwanted.  Well, half-unwanted, half-surprising.

The day before Memorial Day, Reuben asked me for a divorce.  Divorce is such vexing word.  It's the same amount of letters as failure.  I am sure that is no coincidence.  

There are reasons. There are years of miscommunication and lack of work and trust.  It is what it is. The details really are still something that is ours and I now realize why celebrities ask for privacy as they go through their tough time, when they break up.

I was shocked but not too shocked, but I am still devastated.  I am also going through all the typical stages of grief as I process the end to something that has been my identity for 13 years today, June 22, our anniversary. The end of something that has been my hope, my anchor.  

Currently, we are working with a lawyer through the mediation process and the papers should be filed soon. It will actually be welcomed.  Although this wasn't my idea or choice, I am ready to not be in the same house as something undefined.  Married, yet not acting like it.  We are cordial but I am not interested in being around somebody who doesn't love me enough to stay and work through problems.  I am ready to move on.

With all that said.  I have been surrounded by angels.  I have had so many people praying for me, for all of us.  I have a great friend who chats with me over Marco Polo so I have a space to vent and be mad and sad and all the emotions.  People have brought flowers, some anonymous person even added a solar fairy house to our fairy garden.  Bright spots within the dark cloudy moments that is this in-between.

My priority is the kids now.  They will be safe and loved as always, just in two different houses soon.  They have been handling it well, but they also are quite sad and frustrated and grieving too.  

If you want or need more details feel free to reach out.  My number is still the same and email Alice.ficklin@gmail.com still works. Venmo @Alice-Ficklin for any sympathy donations...sometimes people want to do something because they just don't know what to say to us(ice cream truck money, snack money, movie money, Wisconsin adventure money is always welcomed!).  

Thanks for being my angels. Just as I never wanted to join the "I Lost My Mom Club," I never wanted to join the "I'm Divorced Club." I have been saying "it is what it is" a lot lately, and I refuse to stop saying "Life is Good!" just like my mom echoed often in harder times. I refuse to let this take away my ability to find happiness and joy.

So, there is your update.

May I

 Happy May.  In some moments, I feel more conscious. As I sat in our car outside of my son's Jiu-Jitsu studio this past Thursday, I first read a bit of a very amazing book The Way of the Fearless Writer: Mindful Wisdom for a Flourishing Writing Life, by Beth Kempton.  After doing one of her many included writing prompts, I took to heart this quote: "Open your notebook. Observe your thoughts. Write them down." In that moment, I was more conscious and with the new month birthing, I came up with this very stream of consciousness poem about what I hoped to become.  May you enjoy it:

May I

May I be more positive. 

May I be more patient. 

May I remember who I am and who I once was. 

May I find joy in the simple but embrace the complex. 

May I learn things. 

May I notice stuff. 

May I listen to more baseball. 

May I find the moments to be calm. 

May I learn to talk about stuff that matters. 

May I find connection. 

May I do better but may I also realize that my efforts are enough.

May I like humans more than dogs…or at least as equal as dogs! 

May I become unstuck. 

May I survive 13 more school days.

May I do. 

May I get rest, may I recover, may I build muscle, may I heal my gut. 

May I become more wise about both what goes in and about what goes out of my mouth. 

May I clean the bathroom. 

May I plant a garden. 

May I find solace. 

May I find purpose. 

May I see other people and help them. 

May I notice all the things.

May I be inspired. 

May I laugh. 

May I feel. 

May I love.

May I build a legacy. 

May I find more joy. 

May I bask in the warmth of the sunshine. 

May I be a fighter when needed and a peacemaker also when needed. 

May I have an open mind. 

May I have a sense of adventure. 

May I make plans. 

May I be. 

May I become.