Let's Talk About: Embracing Winter

 I don't always enjoy winter.  In fact, this time of year when it is well past Christmas, I feel like there shouldn't be snow.  I also am tired of coldness, shoveling and scraping the car windows.  I just want to curl up on the couch in pjs and never leave.  Truly, February is the dreg of winter.  

But this week, after it snowed(again), I remembered that I like winter a whole lot more when I embrace it.  So, I got out the old cross-country skis and made a trail behind my work.  

It also helps in liking winter more to buy fun winter gear.  I bought that hat last week and I love it.  It says: "Have a nice day!(If you want to)."

I really do think life is a lot about the choice to be happy each and every day.  You don't have to have a good day if you don't want to, but really, why not change it, if it isn't going the way you want.  

Embrace everything.  The good. The bad. The ugly.  Every bit of life is actually wonderful if you think about it.  EVEN WINTER.  May each of you embrace winter or whatever season you are at in your life.

Let's Talk About...Reading ADHD

 This year I have decided to participate in my favorite local bookstore's reading challenge.  

Each year they sponsor a challenge that requires you to read a certain number of books, each coming from a different category.  This year the goal is 40 books.  If you read all 40, then you receive a $50 gift card to Pioneer Book, and to any book lover, this is a win and very motivating.

Forty books is truly a challenge for me.  That averages out to being about about three books a month.  I am already 10 in and a few books ahead of schedule.  

So far, what is my trick? Well, I have ADHD of reading.  So at any one time, I am reading three or four books.  I know what you are thinking, it is hard to hold all those books at one time, but in reality, being able to go from one book to another when you get a little bored with one is fantastic.

Currently, I am reading four books: two non-fiction and two fiction.

 The Grapes of Wrath will probably be on my currently reading list for most of the year.  Steinbeck is wordy and dry, but it fits one of the categories and I feel like a failure of a English major if I haven't read anything by him.  I also read a book about the dust bowl earlier this winter and it sparked interest in reading The Grapes of Wrath, so here I am miserably trudging through it.  But, how I do get through it is by taking breaks and reading other books at the same time.  See, to read 40 this year, I have to read this way...I must keep moving forward.  Also, I do not suggest just trudging through a book.  I am going against my own rules, see the end of this post for more on this.

Chasing Down the Dawn is a favorite I have already read a few times and it fits the "Title Starts with Letter C" category.  Jewel has always been one of my favorite singers, songwriters, and authors.  If you haven't read her book of poetry entitled: A Night without Armor, you are missing out. This book is also short, which helps with the whole getting through 40 books in a year.  It is also pleasant to read because it is short vignettes about Jewel's life from growing up in Alaska, being homeless in LA, and life on the road. I don't often re-read books, but this is one of the books on my "I can read this over and over and not care" list.

New York: An Illustrated History is a daunting read in a different way than Steinbeck's book.  It is over 500 pages, which is also a category from the reading challenge. It will probably spend most of the year on my currently reading list because I often just read tidbits as I sit in the front room chilling with my kiddos. 

Being Henry David will probably be a very quick less than a week read.  It is a young adult novel where the main character wakes up on a bus with no clue who he is or what his past is.  His only possession is  a book by Henry David Thoreau so he names himself Henry David. I am only a chapter in so I don't have much else to say about this book so far but I am excited to read it.

If you are interested in joining this reading challenge or any other that are out there here are a few pro tips to get through in time:

1.  Have reading ADHD.  Be okay with reading more than one book at a time.  Of course you should pick books that are pretty unlike one another because then your brain won't mix up story lines.

2. Pick some books at are pretty short. I am sorry to say but when they say read a book by a writer with a pseudonym, Dr. Seuss counts! Graphic novels are also a great choice, as well as poetry books and children books.

3. Remember to pick books you like.  Do not assume that just because something is a bestseller and EVERYBODY is reading it, that you should too.  I often find those books aren't worth my time if they don't catch me within the first 20 pages.  Life is much too short and there are way too many good books to waste your time on a bad to you book. I learned that from a very wise librarian friend eons ago. (Isn't life cool that we have so many options when it comes to everything.  There really is something out there for every single individual taste! And this doesn't just ring true for books. Quit judging people because of their choice of whatever that you don't like.  Whether it be desserts, movies, books, music, cars, houses, clothes, etc. there isn't always the "right" choice, but rather "the right choice for you!" End life lesson preaching.)

Happy Reading.

Let's talk about...

Let's talk about...Resolutions.

There are two types of people in the world: those who make resolutions, and those who do not.

I used to be the first type and January 1st brought all sorts of dreaming about change and improvement.  But lately, I have been morphing into the second.  I actually do have some goals for this new year, yet I have not made any formal resolutions.

Underwood in Salt Lake City, November 17, 2022

I recently went to a Carrie Underwood concert.  I am telling you now, if you have not seen her live, you really need to.  She is amazing.  She also changes her clothes about ten times per concert, which is pretty impressive. Her energy on stage is something else, from playing a drum solo, to flying from the rafters in a fancy winged orb, she delivers a great show.  She also is one of my favorites because she delivers great messages through her music(and in the way she lives her life).

One particular song from Underwood's most recent album has been on my mind of late. The song is entitled "Garden" and speaks about what we must plant in our lives in order to reap good things, especially to reap peace.

These lines speak to my soul:

"Would you plant patience?
Would you keep kindness?
Would there be peace
Ripe on the vine?"

What would you plant in your life to bring you peace?  What things would you keep?  What things would you weed out?  I like the garden analogy as I think about the possibility that comes with a new year.  I am not focusing on specific goals so to speak but I am choosing to rather focus on a specific word to plant.

The song also says:

"And if your words were seeds that were goin' in the ground
And your love was rain farmers prayed about
If your life was sunlight we all needed"
What kinda world would it be?"

"If you reap what you sow
What kind of garden would you grow?
If you reap what you sow
What kind of garden would you grow?"

Words have power.  They are like seeds.  Love and the gardener's care help all seeds,(and words) grow. Living life with light does spread peace to you and to all those around you.  

My resolution is more of a vibe.  It's a word in action.  My word is: Return.

I don't know about you, but my life has derailed in many ways over the past three years. The whole Covid fiasco shook me.  I had my anxiety under control. Actually, I didn't even realize I had anxiety before, but I did, I just had coped with it really well. Since the nightmare that 2020 was, I have had panic attacks that I had never even known what were like before I had one.  I also have moments where I am very antsy; anxiety has crept in. For all of us, our lives changed and we have been yearning for a return to normalcy.

Covid wasn't the only place my life had taken detours.  My faith had simmered. I avoided the social things I had always enjoyed. I became a hermit who only wanted to sit on the couch.

And then, last fall, my mom died, spinning my world even further from where it once had been.  I went into a deep depression.  I didn't feel like doing anything that once brought me joy.  Getting out of bed felt pointless.  Staring at the wall was the only thing I had energy for after working all day. And at work, my brain was mush, and I couldn't focus.  Time was in a warp;  frozen. I truly was in survival mode.  

One day, in the past month, I was in a meeting for my church responsibilities and the word, return, came to mind.  I wanted to return to who I truly was, the Alice pre-Covid.  So, here I am planting my word-seed, watering it with self-love and spreading sunlight to others as I do.

My focus is a return to spirituality, I want to cultivate a daily habit of study and prayer.  My return to doing what I love has already started.  I am reading lots and now writing more.  I have plans for more concerts and hope to get out to some hockey and baseball games this year.  I want to also return to being present in my relationships, both as a wife and mother, but also as a sister, daughter, and friend. I am a people person and I find joy in being social.

No matter if you are a resolution maker or a person who resolves to make no such resolutions, may each and every one of you have a wonderful year.  Nurture your garden and there's no chance you won't have anything but a great year. Happy New Year, my dear friends and family!

Rozzy the Elf.

 It is not too late, I repeat, it is not too late to watch Elf this holiday season.  I am a huge fan of all movies Christmas and Elf is one of my all time favorite quote-able movies. So, if you haven't yet, here is some cute motivation to get onto watching the movie.

Here are three reasons why my dog, Rozz, is like Buddy the Elf:

1. 

Just yesterday on a walk, Rozz was walking across a bridge, and ate some unknown substance.  It wasn't gum, but it was just as funny and repulsive as Buddy and the gum! Rozz and Buddy just can't resist free treats.

2. 

Buddy is like a three year old with crazy bouts of energy.  Rozz too is like a toddler with his crazy puppy zoomies:

3. Oversized but so lovable.

Buddy just didn't fit in at the North Pole among his fellow elves; he was just too big.  Rozz is also oversized but still thinks he fits anywhere:

You don't have to take my advice but how can you say not to this face?

Rozz says: Go watch Buddy, you won't be disappointed! You can choose whether you pull out your Christmas sweater to do so, but Rozz says everything is better in that sweater.  Okay, so maybe Alice put that thought into Rozz's mouth, but sweaters are amazeballs.

Ramblings on Grief...

 Hi.  I promised I would post the poetry that I submitted to a writing contest this past summer so without any further ado: 

Deal with Dementia 

Who will answer the phone today?

Will it be the woman who remembers,

the one who interacts?

Or will it be the woman who doesn’t remember,

the one who talks in circles, repeating the same questions?

So sometimes I avoid calling,

then guilt sets in.

Face to face isn't much easier,

sitting in uncomfortable silence,

worrying about what she is thinking,

or feeling.

Knowing the conversation may frustrate her,

may be hard to follow.

Then the anxiety of the "what ifs" enter my mind.

"What if” this is my future?

"What if " that little struggle to find the right word

is an indicator of future struggles?

“What if" I should be seeking early

interventions now.

What if, what it, what if...

Losing a parent is hard

and I often feel like I'm losing Mom,

over and over.

Pieces of her die

in circular conversations.

A reminder of a long hard process  

without a predictable end point.

Losing a parent is hard.

Losing a parent over and over is taxing.

Still there is no choice but to

deal with dementia.

*The formatting was weird on that. What I would do now to still be dealing with dementia. I miss her like mad. I am very good at trying to ignore grief but something a family member said the other day really has brought it back to the surface the past few days: "The holidays are especially hard." I think that is 100% true compounded with the fact that I don't have routine to distract me for the next two weeks. I am very excited for the rest but will miss distraction.

Here is the next poem I submitted:

Dementia is a Thief

Stealing moments that should be monumental,

birthdays once recollected with precision,

now only recalled with reminders.

Names once salient,

now faded,

replaced by relationship tags:

Your husband,

Your daughter,

Your sister.

Physical death still distant

yet mental death is imminent.

Close connection

ripped away like a shoplifter

and their five finger discounts.

Dementia is a thief. 

*To any of you associated with dementia my heart goes to you. It is not easy. Just try to be okay with just sitting in silence at times and. holding hands. You will be glad you had those sweet moments.

Here is my favorite of the three poems I submitted. There are more poems to be written about grief, but my brain still needs to just be in silent and process the whole entity that grief truly is.

Grief is a Bastard

Alone and abandoned,

you leave it unattended,

packed far down in the darkest

forgotten corners of your brain. 

But like a 3-year-old begging for attention, 

in a crowded department store,

grief tantrums. 

Raging,

punching,

tearing up from

long dried ducts.

Crying alone feels right.

In the dark isolation of a cold room,

under warm covers.

Crying feels like a necessary solo act.

Unlike a musician,

who solos surrounded by a crowd,

and more like a pilot

trying to transatlantic in solitude.

Yet like Amelia,

solo proves fatal,

extending the life of grief,

keeping you alone and abandoned.

Grief truly is a bastard. 

*I have let myself be familiar with grief. I do not try to push it away. Today the tears nearly froze as I was walking the dog and a song that gets me thinking about mom came on. Instead of avoiding it and skipping the tune, I embraced it, tears in all! Luckily, I have a very good support group! My dad was right, "With time it will get better," even though it is taking a long time but there is hope is the baby steps that healing brings.

I think that is all I have for now. I truly do think about what to post or right and am often just paralyzed. I think in many ways that is how grief has felt of late. I have great intentions of writing or reading more that quickly turn to sitting and staring, a pure nothingness replaces those intentions. But again, with time it will get better. So, in the meantime, I just keep dealing with grief too!