Possibility in the Shadows.

 I am often the first to admit that I ride a roller coaster  of emotions. 

The past year has been the six flags of my life. Let's be honest, the last week has been a ride. Coming back from an amazing vacation probably spun me into a bit of sadness. The post vacation letdown is real!

Arizona was dreamy.  I was able to stay in a very gorgeous house owned by a very good friend's sister.  Baseball made me very happy.  Two games in two days was pure bliss.  As I sat on the first baseline for the second game, I remembered something very important.  Doing what you love should always be a good thing.  If somebody sees it as silly or a waste of time, that is their thing to own, not yours.  I won't mention any names because I am really trying to have a heart of forgiveness, but I heard "Sports are stupid" for a time and it threw me into a spiral.  How could something that is so much a part of me and something that has brought me so much joy be stupid or a waste of time.  This something also has paid bills for 24 years of my life.  A passion I have has actually turned into my career.  That isn't silly.  So, I am deciding that not only my love of sports is going to be cultivated in my life, but again anything that brings me joy or happiness is going to be cultivated.

A few weeks ago, the kids and I went with a couple friends to another one of my happy places...

Having a pro hockey team here in Utah is a very cool thing.  I wish I could afford to go more often but the fact that I can get 15 dollar tickets a few times a year is magical. E has truly found a love in hockey and it makes this sporty mom's heart very filled.

Here is a haiku I wrote this morning as I was writing after a bit of contemplation about life.  I actually was sharing the story of Joseph and his brothers from the Old Testament of the Bible with my kiddos after I had done a little reading about the subject.  The church I am a member of, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is reading the Old Testament together and the theme of the week is all about forgiveness.  A really cool video about forgiveness that I watched and was touched by this morning can be found HERE.  Anyway, Joseph was sold into captivity by his brothers, but later in the story forgives them.  Forgiveness is an interesting subject to study and an even more interesting subject to dissect in our own lives.  

I have been carrying a lot of anger in my heart about the situation I currently am facing.  Little things that I would never imagine triggering anger do.  (Like the check engine light that keeps coming on in my car every two months) Being the only adult having to care for the little things around the house(or big things) and in keeping the kiddos afloat in school and extra curricular can feel a bit overwhelming at times.  I am often angry.  I sometimes don't want to have a heart of forgiveness.  I want to hold on to that anger.  There is nothing wrong with being angry, don't get me wrong.  Jesus even was angry outside of the temple as he threw the tables of people selling goods there.  But...there is something that makes us stuck as we hold on to those feelings.

As we decide to give those feelings back to God, I feel that we can then free ourselves from being stuck.  So, I am processing my anger and looking for possibilities.  I am also in a sense looking for myself.  Where is that Alice that existed before the stuck? That is my job to figure out now.  This is my purpose.

Now, here is the haiku, sorry it took a few paragraphs to get to:

Possibility:

sometimes hidden in the shadows;

Cultivate the light.

I took a little searching jaunt through my garden this morning.  We are definitely experiencing spring here, and I noticed quite a bit of possibility.

From new leaves on rose bushes, to sunflower sprouts, to Tiger Lily shoots, to one branch of blossoms on a dying plum tree, to baby leaf buds...my garden is demonstrating possibilities. The spring always gets me to contemplate renewal and brings me a whole lot of hope.  As we approach this Easter Season, may we too find hope and possibility in the ultimate renewal.  There is no coincidence that Easter comes in spring.  The tomb opened bringing hope for eternal life.  Spring is bringing a whole new hope for change and purpose as I weather my storm.  

If you got this far, thanks so much for reading my silly little(or in this case long) posts.  I think I will be starting up a haiku festival on my socials.  I didn't make it though lent this year.  My soul just needed caffeine and chocolate.  I think I will embrace it.  So, journey back over to Facebook or Instagram to join in the fun, or comment here what haiku(s) you would like me to write.

Poetry from #tinywinterpoem

 The #tinywinterpoem has come to an end.  I didn't post on the daily like I would have liked but decided to share some of what I wrote.  

"Demanded:" I wrote a series with this word.  The last is the conglomerate of what was best from that series!

1. 

He demanded it.

A laundry list of ideas

The impossible

2.

Demanded: millions

Ransom for an old lady

the oddest story

3. 

The impossible

Filling the voids of his mom

still he demanded.

4. 

Was it a cop out?

A laundry list demanded

An excuse to leave.

5. 

I am not your mom

A laundry list demanded

An excuse to leave!

6. 

Sit down and shut up

I wish I had demanded,

Forced a listening ear.

7. 

Mom, come over here.

One of her divers demands

Shopping used to be fun.

8.

Grief makes one unhinged

"More like my mom," he demanded

And much less like you.

"Carried"

1. 

The burden carried

upon unsteady shoulders

is meant to be dropped.

2.

Carried in my arms

Many days felt very long

How I wish them back.

"Arched"

1.

She bends, bridge making

Arched back, pausing from motion

a stop then moving

2.

My little ballerina

Ballet shoes and buns

Arched heels, pointed toes, the spins

My ballerina

"Wished"

1.

All I had wished for

Love's promise forever

Now a skeleton.

2. 

All to Half

All I had wished for

Picked fence, little family

Now 50%

"Brushed

Our Nemesis

She says she brushed it

With so much hair, some gets missed

The snarls: Nemesis

A few bonus poems here from me just writing and being sad the #tinywinterpoem was over.

Still in my Contacts

I thought of you now

then picked up the phone before

realizing you're gone.

Until there was Nothing Left

I thought about us...

    Not all of it was bad...

        the falling, the establishing,

                the promising,

        and of course, the children, the family...

Yet within the good

    Too much "not so good" was sprinkled

        and cultivated, and stirred

    and of course, ignored...

Until there was nothing left

        but the sprinkles...

Legacy Lives On

 My favorite author, Beth Kempton, is always doing cool daily writing challenges.  Her Winter Writing Retreat always fills my soul around Christmas.  In February, she always hosts a poem writing extravaganza called #tinywinterpoem, where she gives a daily word and invites writers to take ten minutes and create a poem without editing.  I will share them here for the next little while:

Legacy Lives On

My grandfather

    through sweat and tears

        sacrifice and perserverence

built the barn

    cleared the land

        planted the crops

                raised the animals

From Nothing

                    into Something

A Dream

                    into Reality

Doubts

                    into Belief

Pitfalls were plenty

Legacies are blind to each one...

Now just a memory

        as family morphed into corporate

And only a few lucky enough to make the transition

Just as he

                the creator of his kingdom

                        the farm and all its fruits

                                have withered and fallen

                                        returning back to dust...

Remembered in stories

told by his kin

and in the ghosts

who echo within the wind...

Legacy lives on!

You Can Take the Catholic Out of the Girl but...

 Happy Fat Tuesday.  Some people refer to this as Mardi Gras...Guess what?  Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday!"  Some may even go as far as saying Carnival...that is just another part of the world celebrating for a whole week.  What are they celebrating?  Basically, it is a period of gluttony before a fast.  This fast is the 40 day period just before Easter.  This fast has been around for centuries. Fasting has always been used in religious devotion to purify the individual fasting. The number 40 has always been used to symbolize purification: Jesus in the desert, the Israelites in the wilderness, Moses on Mount Sinai, and Noah on the Ark.

I have continued to revisit my Catholic roots each year as Lent comes around. I have fasted from various things.  My favorites are chocolate, soda and swearing.

This year I am doing a trifecta of give ups.  

1. Social Media*-I scroll way too much.  It gets in the way of lots of things like reading, hanging with my kids, and being mentally healthy and less anxious.

2. Soda-I have started to crave soda around 3:30 every single day.  This shows me that I am relying on caffeine a bit too much.  Some may even say that this is an addiction.

3. Sugar-This has also been a favorite way to self soothe of late.  I have been in the thick of things as my life has been turned upside down.  Chocolate, cookies, and Nerd Clusters have become my security blanket.  I also feel that this blanket has been screwing up my skin and my gut.  So, bye bye sugary treats. Hello Salad...we meet again!

Do any of you practice Lent?  If so, what are you refraining from this year?

May the force be with us!

Donuts earlier this week.

Shamrock Shake: Part of Fat Tuesday

Not pictured from my gluttonous Fat Tuesday: Pretzel Flipz, Cadbury Mini Eggs, Cadbury Creme Egg, Nerd Clusters that I didn't get to eating. 

*I may come onto socials on occasion to update my peeps on new blog posts.  Here's to less scrolling and more writing!

Letters

 I have always been a letter writer and I love when somebody responds.  There is something special about getting a piece of mail. Opening the mailbox is a bit boring of late.  On occasion I will get really nice mail from my sister or friend, Marla.  

The most recent letter I received was this card:

I am pretty sure Andi, my sister, was responding to the picture I posted on my last post of my new tagline: "Always find time for the things that make you feel happy to be alive."

Her card now lives on that same poster:

I read a book recently that made me think more and more about letters.  The whole story is told through the correspondence a woman has through letters. It isn't surprising that the book, written by Virginia Evans is entitled The Correspondent. If you like books, this one definitely has my recommendation. Within its pages, Evans makes one think about our short life span here on this planet and about what really matters.

I have a box full of many letters I have received through the years.  The ones from my mom and my grandma are of utmost importance.  See, the written word can make us immortal, and remembered.  Pieces of paper that we write on can become tangible evidence that we were here.  I love re-reading those old letters.  I think I may just have to pull that box out again one of these days.

I love writing, I love writing letters.  Do you like getting mail? If so, comment here or on my posts on social media about this blog and I will reach out to you about getting your address.  I am on a letter writing kick since reading that life changing book, and I would love to write you!  Also, write in your journal today...the future will thank you.

Always Find Time

 Time...it's a thing.  Time is something we keep track of, something we lose track of, something we squander, something we have or don't have...it's something.

I have had a lot of alone time lately.  Alone time is quiet and it makes one think.  Sometimes those thoughts are kind, sometimes they are lonely.  Being in the thick of a challenging time brings lots of introspection.  

I am still trying to make my bedroom a sanctuary.  I finally have the set up how I think I want it.  A new record player shelf was in order and I took care of that last week.  The room is a hodgepodge of furniture and decor, nothing matches, but it is my spot.  

I have one sole thing hanging on the walls of my room.  You may say it is also alone.  There could be something very symbolic in this.  

It expresses a very important concept to me, as I am in the thick of grief and adjustment:

This makes me think of a scripture from The Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 2:25: "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they may have joy"

Part of being here on this rock flying through the great expanse of the universe, is to find joy.  Joy can be many different things to different people.  Here are five things that have been on my happy list currently:

1. My kids.  These two humans are my biggest joy and my greatest blessing.  They are mine and I feel so blessed to be their mom.

2. Sports.  It is playoff football right now.  It is the good stuff(even if your favorite team self-sabotages itself) I was able to also attend a Utah Mammoth Hockey game yesterday...being among other fans who bring such amazing energy to the arena fills my soul.  Some people find my sports fascination silly.  They may even say it is a waste of time.  But if things make you happy are they really a waste of time?

3. Vinyl records.  This new obsession is interesting.  The nostalgia that comes from the needle hitting the edge of a record is hard to describe.  The write-ups in the covers, the pictures of the artist, the sound, it is unique and has brought a whole lot of nerd out of me.  I love playing them and I love browsing for them in record stores.  

4. Weekly(or as often as I can go) religious services.  My faith makes me who I am.  My faith also helps me navigate hard stuff. The world can be a very scary place these days and the peace, comfort and strength I find in my worship helps me keep on keeping on.

5. Reading and books.  I don't read nearly as much as I want to, but when I do allow the time for it, I love the escape the stories within books gives me. Sometimes fiction is superior to reality. I also love perusing books at my local book store.  I have some gift certificates to use there in the near future.

*Bonus: Writing.  Putting my thoughts down on paper, or on a computer is free therapy.  I think I am going to have to be better at coming to this space and getting the creative juices flowing.  I keep telling myself it doesn't have to be perfect.  So, you five readers, look forward to more posts here.  I am committing to it now.

And now it is your turn to share at least three things that make you feel happy to be alive.  Did you know that writing down three things that you are grateful for(I dare say make you happy) actually rewires your brain to look for more good things.  You are less depressed because of it.  It's science; look it up. Comment your things below, it would be fun to have that interaction with you all.

2026…Writing in Winter

 I’ve been meaning to post for centuries. I’m pretty sure I say this every time I post. 

I’ve been writing a lot lately. Mainly for therapy but sometimes for other reasons. Today I wrote a good poem(well at least I found it good at 7am this morning.). I thought I would share it here. 

I’ve been writing as part of British Author Beth Kempton’s Winter Writing Sanctuary. Basically, there are different prompts daily which include a study in color. Writers are encouraged to light a candle and embrace winter through the act of writing. I’ve done this for a few winters and absolutely love it. 

Today’s color was black. We also were prompted to pick a few words. I picked: silhouette, thunder and Midnight from a list of words.

Here is my haiku:

First there was thunder 

The midnight sky silhouette 

A lightning reveal

I also wrote a longer poem:

Without thunder there is no lightning.

Without light, there is no dark.

All things have an opposite…

     Light/dark

     Hot/cold

     Pleasure/Pain

We often label the opposites as good/evil…

     Yet they are not so…

Summer yields to winter

     Transitioning through fall…

Winter yields back to summer…

     Transitioning through spring…

I dare say winter is no more evil than darkness…

For without the dark, we wouldn’t know light. 

Winter is a space, a solace. A rest.

I used to fight winter

     Maddened by the cold

          And by the long nights…

My attitude, poor

My time a waste

A spot I wished away.

Now I am embrace winter,

     I cozy in fluffy blankets,

     In warm pajamas,

     And cute slippers.

The time slow, yet well lived.

A slow down, a pause for inward reflection

     For cuddling with family during movies,

      For sipping warm tea or cocoa.

Without thunder, there is no lightning

Without dark, there is no light

There can be beauty in the opposite!