Unlucky 13.

 

Well.  Here I am, on my porch, my happy place, an annoying car alarm randomly honking in the background..  My happy place consists of sunflowers, roses, and raised garden beds.  The zero-scaping being exactly what we wanted.

We.  What we wanted.  Now there is a division.  An annoyance like the random honking. It is surprising and really unwanted.  Well, half-unwanted, half-surprising.

The day before Memorial Day, Reuben asked me for a divorce.  Divorce is such vexing word.  It's the same amount of letters as failure.  I am sure that is no coincidence.  

There are reasons. There are years of miscommunication and lack of work and trust.  It is what it is. The details really are still something that is ours and I now realize why celebrities ask for privacy as they go through their tough time, when they break up.

I was shocked but not too shocked, but I am still devastated.  I am also going through all the typical stages of grief as I process the end to something that has been my identity for 13 years today, June 22, our anniversary. The end of something that has been my hope, my anchor.  

Currently, we are working with a lawyer through the mediation process and the papers should be filed soon. It will actually be welcomed.  Although this wasn't my idea or choice, I am ready to not be in the same house as something undefined.  Married, yet not acting like it.  We are cordial but I am not interested in being around somebody who doesn't love me enough to stay and work through problems.  I am ready to move on.

With all that said.  I have been surrounded by angels.  I have had so many people praying for me, for all of us.  I have a great friend who chats with me over Marco Polo so I have a space to vent and be mad and sad and all the emotions.  People have brought flowers, some anonymous person even added a solar fairy house to our fairy garden.  Bright spots within the dark cloudy moments that is this in-between.

My priority is the kids now.  They will be safe and loved as always, just in two different houses soon.  They have been handling it well, but they also are quite sad and frustrated and grieving too.  

If you want or need more details feel free to reach out.  My number is still the same and email Alice.ficklin@gmail.com still works. Venmo @Alice-Ficklin for any sympathy donations...sometimes people want to do something because they just don't know what to say to us(ice cream truck money, snack money, movie money, Wisconsin adventure money is always welcomed!).  

Thanks for being my angels. Just as I never wanted to join the "I Lost My Mom Club," I never wanted to join the "I'm Divorced Club." I have been saying "it is what it is" a lot lately, and I refuse to stop saying "Life is Good!" just like my mom echoed often in harder times. I refuse to let this take away my ability to find happiness and joy.

So, there is your update.

May I

 Happy May.  In some moments, I feel more conscious. As I sat in our car outside of my son's Jiu-Jitsu studio this past Thursday, I first read a bit of a very amazing book The Way of the Fearless Writer: Mindful Wisdom for a Flourishing Writing Life, by Beth Kempton.  After doing one of her many included writing prompts, I took to heart this quote: "Open your notebook. Observe your thoughts. Write them down." In that moment, I was more conscious and with the new month birthing, I came up with this very stream of consciousness poem about what I hoped to become.  May you enjoy it:

May I

May I be more positive. 

May I be more patient. 

May I remember who I am and who I once was. 

May I find joy in the simple but embrace the complex. 

May I learn things. 

May I notice stuff. 

May I listen to more baseball. 

May I find the moments to be calm. 

May I learn to talk about stuff that matters. 

May I find connection. 

May I do better but may I also realize that my efforts are enough.

May I like humans more than dogs…or at least as equal as dogs! 

May I become unstuck. 

May I survive 13 more school days.

May I do. 

May I get rest, may I recover, may I build muscle, may I heal my gut. 

May I become more wise about both what goes in and about what goes out of my mouth. 

May I clean the bathroom. 

May I plant a garden. 

May I find solace. 

May I find purpose. 

May I see other people and help them. 

May I notice all the things.

May I be inspired. 

May I laugh. 

May I feel. 

May I love.

May I build a legacy. 

May I find more joy. 

May I bask in the warmth of the sunshine. 

May I be a fighter when needed and a peacemaker also when needed. 

May I have an open mind. 

May I have a sense of adventure. 

May I make plans. 

May I be. 

May I become.

Plan the Trip. Take the Flight. Beg for funding…

It’s been two years and five months my mom died. When a parent passes, you have lots of emotions and thoughts…

Emotions range from disbelief to deep depression. And many of the thoughts are about how you wish you had more time.

I have so many fun memories made with my mom. She took me on many amazing adventures, but most of my memories come from just hanging out with her and doing normal stuff like playing scrabble and dominoes or making her watch the movies that I loved. I smile as I think of her laughing so hard at times she would have tears and not be able to form sentences just like I did earlier today as I declared to E: “Why is everything so funny today?“ 

Well, I just turned 48 and I’m not getting any younger. My dad will turn 83 and he also is not getting any younger. I’d like to be able to visit(or harass) him a few times in the next year. Having a Go Wild! Pass from Frontier Airlines will make this a reality…

Getting older is a not a bad thing. Sure there are parts of aging that aren’t really enjoyable, but with more experience comes many “wisdom gems.“

And a very big wisdom gem I’ve learned in my 48 years is that life is temporary which means cherishing time with those you love is important. 

Plan the trip.

Take the flight. 

Dream the dream. 

Beg for funding…

The first post of 2025

 I may have taken a bit too long of a break here. But, I kinda feel like this is an appropriate first post of 2025. 

I recently attended the funeral of a former coworker. Funerals often are times of great reflection for me. Death reminds me of how temporary life here on planet earth is. It makes me think about each day and how important the mundane minuscule moments are. Like today. I will not ever get another 48 and 1 day of living. I won’t get another exact time with my 8 or 11 year old. Time is precious. 

At my friend’s funeral, her sister talked about a cruise they had planned for their dad in the past year. He is in his 90s and his daughters wanted to give him adventure as he reaches his ending days. Sheree went on this trip. It was one of her last adventures. Her sister mentioned how the trip wasn’t for her dad but for her sister. 

This made me think about something I have really wanted to do with my kids. I want to take a year of adventuring in the form of buying Go Wild! Passes from Frontier Airlines. Funny thing is whenever I have the funding for said passes, something happens where we need to use said bonus money differently. 

A few months ago, I got the idea to ask family and friends to help fund the passes. I thought it was a little silly. People usually ask for money when they are in a true emergency situation and this really doesn’t qualify. I have had thoughts that this idea is stupid and that people wouldn’t want to help. 

Well, in day one since posting my Venmo and talking about my plan, six people have donated to my cause. And I’ve been smiling all day. This has made me grateful and hopeful. Thank you all who believe in this “project.”

This project came to my mind this last weekend. Instead of just asking for funding to fly around the US and especially to get more time with my own aging father, what if I did something bigger. What if I made this into a writing adventure as well. So many thoughts have been swirling in my brain. 

A logo was created. Swag was brainstormed. Ideas of rewarding people who donate. From travel swag from where we end up traveling, to letting people choose where we go next, to postcards from travel, to going to see people who donate; just so many ideas. I am loving this spark of creativity. I am optimistic about it happening but then I am also worried about not making it to fully fund passes. 

What would I do then? Refund money? Buy less passes or maybe only one for me(seems selfish)?

I think I’m just going to keep positive and run with it. I’ll be posting plans and ideas here along the way. Hopefully, it is entertaining. Thanks for being a part of the journey. 

And remember live in the moments, enjoy today, do something that makes you happy. Plan the trip, say I love you, remember the temporary essence of this life, and truly live!

Goodbye 2024

 Anybody else find that 2024 flew by?

This is a time of reflection. As I thought about this year, I couldn’t remember much. I think I have spent a lot of my time sitting and staring after I’ve been emotionally drained and have been trying to just muddle through exhausting times. 

I want 2025 to be different. I have not made any resolutions. Read all about my attitude on resolutions HERE!

I am thinking about having a word of the year as suggested by a friend, but I have a hard time making decisions of any kind, so I may end up with six or even 12(one for each month!). 

The three front runners for my word are: Warrior, Consistent, and Progress. Maybe this will just be my new title: Alice the Consistent Progress Warrior. I like it.

Thoughts?