Unlucky 13.

 

Well.  Here I am, on my porch, my happy place, an annoying car alarm randomly honking in the background..  My happy place consists of sunflowers, roses, and raised garden beds.  The zero-scaping being exactly what we wanted.

We.  What we wanted.  Now there is a division.  An annoyance like the random honking. It is surprising and really unwanted.  Well, half-unwanted, half-surprising.

The day before Memorial Day, Reuben asked me for a divorce.  Divorce is such vexing word.  It's the same amount of letters as failure.  I am sure that is no coincidence.  

There are reasons. There are years of miscommunication and lack of work and trust.  It is what it is. The details really are still something that is ours and I now realize why celebrities ask for privacy as they go through their tough time, when they break up.

I was shocked but not too shocked, but I am still devastated.  I am also going through all the typical stages of grief as I process the end to something that has been my identity for 13 years today, June 22, our anniversary. The end of something that has been my hope, my anchor.  

Currently, we are working with a lawyer through the mediation process and the papers should be filed soon. It will actually be welcomed.  Although this wasn't my idea or choice, I am ready to not be in the same house as something undefined.  Married, yet not acting like it.  We are cordial but I am not interested in being around somebody who doesn't love me enough to stay and work through problems.  I am ready to move on.

With all that said.  I have been surrounded by angels.  I have had so many people praying for me, for all of us.  I have a great friend who chats with me over Marco Polo so I have a space to vent and be mad and sad and all the emotions.  People have brought flowers, some anonymous person even added a solar fairy house to our fairy garden.  Bright spots within the dark cloudy moments that is this in-between.

My priority is the kids now.  They will be safe and loved as always, just in two different houses soon.  They have been handling it well, but they also are quite sad and frustrated and grieving too.  

If you want or need more details feel free to reach out.  My number is still the same and email Alice.ficklin@gmail.com still works. Venmo @Alice-Ficklin for any sympathy donations...sometimes people want to do something because they just don't know what to say to us(ice cream truck money, snack money, movie money, Wisconsin adventure money is always welcomed!).  

Thanks for being my angels. Just as I never wanted to join the "I Lost My Mom Club," I never wanted to join the "I'm Divorced Club." I have been saying "it is what it is" a lot lately, and I refuse to stop saying "Life is Good!" just like my mom echoed often in harder times. I refuse to let this take away my ability to find happiness and joy.

So, there is your update.