Heavenly Birthdays…

 For a week, I’ve thought about my Mom’s birthday. I kinda shoved it off like I do sometimes when important dates come around. 

I didn’t even think about her death date much on September 20. Although, I did very much think of Sept 10th, the last day I talked to her; heard her voice. That was a very blessed conversation where her dementia wasn’t strong and she was sharp. She was excited for me to go to the Lady Gaga concert and told me it would be so fun. She was right. 

Last year on her birthday I was at a P!nk concert. I kinda promised myself I would always do something exciting on her birthday. I didn’t keep that promise this year. Although, I did begrudgingly go to the duck pond with my kiddos. I don’t think she ever did anything with her kids begrudgingly, or at least she never let us think she didn’t want to do things with us.

I’m glad I went. It was a sliver of light. A moment that was important. I need to not say “I really don’t want to but…” anymore when my kiddos request time. They need it. I need it. 

I remembered it was Sue’s birthday on a walk with my students earlier today. I thought about how I would have sent her a card and how I would have called from class and had my students sing. In those moments, it is like I’m reminded about the emptiness that comes from not being able to dial her number anymore. A fact that I forget about most times. 

Zarah and I had a fun moment when I noticed she was wearing heart underwear which was fitting for today seeing Mom loved hearts. 

A few minutes ago I replayed all the voice messages I kept from my mom. Most are just about 10 seconds long. Good to hear her voice but I don’t play them too often because again there is such an emptiness that I feel when doing so. 

Writing this has been rough. As tears run down my cheeks, I’m breathless. There are so many different ways to cry. There are so many things I wish I had told her when she was still here to hear them. There are also so many things I wish I had asked her. Like today I couldn’t even remember her favorite color. And there are so many things I didn’t know about her. 

I saw her hands a lot today as I looked down at my own. I saw her eyes today in Zarah’s smiling face.  I missed her today and I miss her everyday. I wish I could have had a birthday chat with her today. 

I would have told her how I had the best teacher post-observation conference of my career today and how I never got so many “highly effective” marks. She would have said she wasn’t surprised because she knows I am a good teacher. 

I would have told her how thankful I am that she was born so that she could be the best mom for me. I would have written to her how thankful I am for all she taught me about how to live. How her generosity was contagious. How her dancing always made me smile. How her advice always gave me hope. 

Man. I miss her. 

Happy Birthday Mom!!! I’m so grateful I got to be on the planet with you for 45 years. Wish it could have been a little longer. You live on in my memories. And how rich those memories are. 

Keep being my guardian angel. I’ll keep looking for the hearts. Love you so much!!! I’m proud to be your daughter.